Doubts
by clazykid
Summary: Yuan is doubting herself. Great. Kinda Xix x Yuan. Mostly Yuan's ramblings. Oneshot?


Yuan doesn't cry.

She was taught to be strong in every aspect of her life. She was smart, she was cunning, she knew how to fight. She was strong.

She doesn't cry.

But those fat tears that threaten to carve a trail of betrayal and weakness are still there.

Perched on her big, plush bed, with the big, regal canopy that screams 'money', with the pillows made of the rarest silk, she tells herself that she is strong.

She worked hard to get where she was now. She worked to be strong. It wasn't just given to her when she was born like some people she knew. But she still wore clothes that gave off an air of royalty. The way she walked was an instant reminder of where she grew up.

She is royal.

Royal means money. Royal means being born into it. Royal means fake, and snobby, and never having to work for anything.

Is that why **he** acts like that around her?

Because she's _royal_?

Xix was obviously not born into royalty. He was adopted into a village when he was young, and not an extravagant one at that. He was obviously not someone destined for ruling a place.

Unlike herself. As soon as she was exposed to the outside world, she was expected to be _perfect_. It's definitely not as easy as it looks. Right?

She still doubts herself. Maybe it's her who's living the cushy life. She's never had to _really_ work for anything, has she? She thinks about Xix's life. Everyday, collecting food and water and doing things her maids would have done for her at the lift of a finger just to survive. Even getting the necessities was hard. Has she really done anything for herself? Even learning how to fight wasn't really her own thing. She always had a mentor by her side, helping her improve everything.

She covers her face with her hands. Is she useless? She doesn't really have anything. Nothing is her own anymore. Her 'genius'? She's even beginning to doubt that. What's the point of being a genius if you can't even defend yourself from your own mother?

She remembers that day.

She remembers when she saw her again. Feelings of light and joy and happiness and _memories_.

But her mother never had such a cold face.

Her mother would _never_ look at her daughter and ask, "Who are you?"

Her mother would never try to kill her.

But it still crushed her. Why?

Because she was _weak_. She still couldn't defend herself, and she ended up dragging everyone down. Especially _him_.

More tears are coming now. She doesn't bother to swipe them. It's not as if anyone really cares, right? She doesn't have anything, right? She's useless.

Right?

But there's still doubt. Because sometimes, she remembers her childhood. There's a lot of light there. She would be poring over books in the library (which was also _hers, _of course.), trying to memorize types of spells, anything she could fit in her mind. And there were times when she'd just stay up all night, practicing with that ball. It was hard to stand on. Sure, she was apparently a _genius_, oh, she hates that word, and she learned quicker than others, but she didn't get it on the first try.

She's useless, remember?

But why does she remember these things?

She's never worked in her life before, right?

A sliver of hope lingers in her mind. Maybe she just doubts herself a lot. Like, a lot a lot. Doubt is still doubt, though.

But then why does he still _do _that?

Why does he still push her away?

It has to be because of her being royal. She grew up in a different environment. She didn't have to suffer like he did.

But she did.

She remembers hugging her mother and then remembering she'll never be able to hug her father the same way. Soon, her mother was gone too.

She suffered too.

She suffered every time she walked out into the streets of Serpent, and saw all those happy people with purpose in their lives. At least Xix has a purpose.

No. No! She mentally slaps herself for being so selfish (add that to the list of useless things Yuan seems to be a master of.). He's suffered too.

She's thinking about all of this because of him. She cares way too much.

Does she love him?

She doesn't know yet. She can't really remember what love actually is.

Is it the feeling of sudden drops and heat and wide eyes and tiny hair adjustments because he's noticing that cowlick right now because it's so obvious and she's noticing the colour of his eyes and wow they are gorgeous and is this what it feels like?

She loves him for it and she hates him for it.

She loves him for all those awkward but intimate accidental little hand touches and eye contact and suddenly interrupting each other and then other times when they can just talk at peace and then times when it's just comfortably silent whenever she bandages his hands because he's an idiot and trains too hard and when she's staring at him like a doofus and trips and way to go Yuan you fall over and he laughs and holds out a hand and she can _see_ the opportunities and she hates him for it.

She hates him for putting all this light and happiness and colour in her and then taking it away when he pushes her away.

She uncovers her face. It's bright after all of this screwing up her eyes and letting the darkness of her surroundings wash her away.

Why is she going through this exhausting contradictory stuff? It has to be this but it can't be because of that and oh my god Xix what have you done.

Does she love him? Or does she hate him?

It doesn't really matter, does it.

She'll still come back to those memories. Next time she'll just follow him when he pushes her away. That's what clingy girlfriends do, right?

Wait. She's not actually his girlfriend yet.

Yet.

She smiles a little bit too wide. She's getting too hopeful. Doubt is sure to return soon.

"Yo, Yuan."

She turns around, the smile staying on her face. He's leaning in the doorway, eyebrows raised for an answer.

"Yes, Xix?"

"I was gonna go outside and train, so I was wondering if you wanted to...w-why are you smiling like that?"

"Oh. No reason!" A light teasing tone in her voice. She hops off the bed and leaves the room, brushing lightly past him as he gives her a confused look. She hears his footsteps follow shortly after.

"C'mon, Yuan! What's makin' you so happy? What where you even doing in there, like, daydreaming?"

She's hopeful, alright. Doubt can come later. Right now, she just needs to focus on hope.

And hope feels great.

**Author's Note: HEY Y'ALL ENJOY DA CAVALIER OF DA ABYSS FANFICTION AND TO BE EXACT XIX X YUAN WELL LIKE SORT OF ITS MORE LIKE YUAN'S CRAZY MUMBLINGS ANYWAYS SORRY ABOUT THIS MESSED UP CHAPTER I JUST WANTED TO WRITE NO PLANNNNN SO ITS KINDA UGLY YEAH OK SO THAT WAS A PRETTY AWESOME WARMUP OF THIS BEAUTIFUL SHIP AND YEAH HAVE FUN BABES**

**clazykid**


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